P4

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Script Feedback

Feedback for: Ollie R

Page One	Format	Characters need caps first time they are in the script.
	Grammar
	Action	Although your character descriptions are good, how does this look on screen? It’s a bit novelistic.
	Dialogue
	Story/other	Could there be a montage of the boys getting ready – this could help set up the characters more.
Page Two	Format
	Grammar
	Action
	Dialogue	More talking would be better
	Story/other
Page Three	Format	Parenthetical in wrong place
	Grammar	Missing caps Missing  full stops
	Action
	Dialogue
	Story/other
Page Four	Format	Parenthetical in wrong place
	Grammar	Missing caps and full stops
	Action
	Dialogue
	Story/other
Page Five	Format	Don’t break up character and dialogue
	Grammar
	Action
	Dialogue
	Story/other	just remains of burnt wood and twigs – how will you film this?
Page Six	Format
	Grammar
	Action
	Dialogue
	Story/other
Page Seven	Format
	Grammar
	Action
	Dialogue
	Story/other

Feedback Evaluation 

From reading my feedback, I realized i needed to make my action more physical instead of describing it like a voice over. I was getting to carried away describing what is seen in the scene rather than what is going on in the scene. I also learnt that I had some Grammatical mistakes which have all been taken care of, alongside a few minor improvements which have been made to the script. I also re wrote some dialogue in order for a better enjoyment while reading the script